What is mindfulness?
If you ask me, it isn't just about breathing exercises or feeling relaxed. At its core, mindfulness is the practice of nonjudgmental awareness — it is the ability to see things as they truly are, rather than how we wish them to be.
It means practicing to be an observer, rather than a judge or a commentator.
This is a skill, and like any skill, it requires practice. Yet, when I talk to clients about this, they often feel frustrated because they expect mindfulness to work like a magic wand — a way to permanently "fix" their emotions or make their problems disappear. They want the peace they find in a meditation session to last forever, and they feel like they've failed when anxiety or tension inevitably returns.
But the goal of mindfulness isn't to make your feelings disappear or to stop the "weather" of your mind. The goal is to change your relationship with those feelings so you no longer feel like a victim of them.
The struggle begins the moment we stop observing and start judging. When we move from being an observer to being a judge, we begin to add labels, adjectives, and stories to our experiences — and that is exactly where suffering takes root.
Why Do We Feel So Exhausted? Because We're Trapped by Labels
Most of our suffering doesn't come from the events themselves, but from our internal judgments. We are in the habit of labeling everything, adding adjectives to everything, and weaving stories around everything.
Take a car, for example. A car is just a car. But in our minds, cars are categorized as "luxury," "cheap," "cool," or "trashy." When we drive, we aren't really experiencing the car itself; we are experiencing the "feeling" we've attached to those labels — the sense of value, vanity, or security it provides.
It's the same with relationships. We might fall for someone because they are "handsome/pretty," "kind," "smart," or "rich." But are we really in love with the person? Or are we in love with the feeling they create for us? When we are with someone who carries those labels, we feel more valuable or superior.
When we cannot see things as they are, we fall into what is known as the "halo effect." We blindly believe that someone or something is "always good" or "always bad." But reality is impermanent. When someone shows their imperfect side, or when they can no longer fulfill our expectations for those labels, our suffering begins. We mistakenly believe that the other person has changed or that they are the problem, but the truth is that we were blinded by our own labels.
Finding Freedom Through Cognitive Defusion
Practicing mindfulness helps us see this. It may be challenging at first because we are so accustomed to judging, but as your awareness increases, you will begin to catch yourself the moment a label or a story arises in your head: "Oh, I'm judging again."
When that happens, you can practice pausing. Try to observe the person or situation without the label.
In ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), this is known as "cognitive defusion." When we are overly attached to our thoughts (fused with them), we get trapped in those labels and stories. The goal of cognitive defusion is to maintain a healthy distance from our thoughts — to realize that a thought is just a thought, not an absolute fact.
When you can see things as they truly are, you'll understand that these "adjectives" are always changing — whether they are ones you assign to others, or ones others assign to you. No label can fully define a person. We all have positive and negative traits; we all experience happiness, sadness, and pain. These labels only represent a certain moment in our lives, not the whole picture.
Growing Resilience Through Observation
This is what I call the "Observer Mind." This practice brings us back to the present moment — much like knowing that you cannot step into the same river twice; every single moment is new.
You don't need to pursue perfection, and you don't need to pursue a state of constant calm.
Starting today, whether you are in therapy or meditating, practice observing without judgment. When you feel yourself sinking into an emotion, try to be curious: "Am I labeling this? Is this actually the truth, or is it a story I'm weaving in my head?"
Practice seeing things as they truly are.
Then, see what happens.