"That's just my personality — changing is so hard."
"I am just an insecure and negative person. I don't know if I can change."
"I always leave things to the last minute. My time management is terrible, and even though I've tried so many methods, I just can't stay consistent..."
Do these sound familiar?
In the therapy room, I often hear clients share their frustration when trying to adopt new behaviors or build new habits. Even with full self-awareness and a sincere desire to change, they frequently find themselves falling back into old patterns at critical moments — what my clients sometimes describe as "the moment it all falls apart." When this happens, I usually offer empathy first — and then help them understand that this is, in fact, very normal.
Breaking a brain pattern that has operated for decades is no small task. Establishing a new habit requires immense patience and time. Even when people understand this intellectually, many still feel deep frustration and begin to wonder if something is wrong with them because they can't change "quickly enough."
I've been sitting with this question for a while — both as a clinician and as someone who is always learning. Recently, I came across Nicole LePera's book Rewire: Break the Cycle, Alter Your Thoughts, and Create Lasting Change, and found in it some of the clearest explanations I've encountered for why change works the way it does. What follows are the ideas I found most useful, woven together with my own clinical perspective. I hope they offer you the same sense of relief they've offered many of my clients.
To Upgrade the Software, Check the Hardware First
Nicole reminds us that the brain is plastic — capable of change throughout our lives. But how quickly and smoothly that change happens depends enormously on our physical state and environment. She offers a metaphor I've since used regularly in session:
The brain is the hardware; memories, thoughts, behaviors, and habits are the software. Our mental health and personality run on that software — but if the hardware is depleted, the software can't update smoothly.
When we're living in chronic stress, poor sleep, or without any space to rest, we are essentially asking an exhausted system to learn something new. This is why, before diving into behavioral or cognitive change, I almost always encourage clients to first stabilize the basics — sleep, nourishment, moments of genuine rest. The physiological foundation has to be there before the deeper work can take hold.
Automation Takes Time — More Than Most People Expect
Research shows that establishing a new habit takes anywhere from 18 to 254 days depending on its complexity, with around 66 days needed for a behavior to feel truly automatic. But in practice, the timeline is often longer. Most of us don't practice every single day — we start with once or twice a week, lose momentum, restart, gradually build back up. Progress is rarely linear.
In my clinical experience, deeply rooted beliefs don't shift on a fixed timeline — it can take years before stable, lasting change becomes visible. This is not a failure of effort. It's how the brain works. The antidote to slow change isn't more pressure on yourself; it's self-compassion.
Matching Your Plan to Your Stage
One reason change efforts stall is that people apply the wrong strategy for where they actually are in the process. Motivational Interviewing draws on the Stages of Change model — a framework that maps the journey from Pre-contemplation (not yet aware a change is needed) through Contemplation, Preparation, Action, and finally Maintenance. The work looks genuinely different at each stage, and jumping straight to action before the emotional groundwork is laid is one of the most common reasons people feel like they're failing — when in reality, they're just moving too fast.
As you reflect on where you are, a few questions worth sitting with:
- Why do I want to change? What is the deeper motivation behind it?
- What impact has this pattern or belief had on my personal and social life?
- When I imagine making this change, what emotions come up? And what obstacles can I already anticipate?
Working through these questions helps us build a short, medium, and long-term plan that actually fits who we are and where we are.
Closing Thoughts
Change takes time, and it requires physiological support. When progress feels slow, resist the urge to turn that slowness into self-criticism.
Every pattern we carry was built for a reason — what might look like a harmful habit or limiting belief was often a survival mechanism, a form of self-protection, or even an adaptive response passed down through generations.
These patterns aren't flaws; they are features of how the brain works to keep us safe.
So as you face the long and nonlinear process of change, I encourage you to approach yourself with curiosity rather than judgment. Understanding the process may not make change easy, but it can help us release unnecessary self-attack and begin to appreciate — with fresh eyes — the intelligence behind our own patterns and the body that carries them.
As I often say in session:
All change begins with awareness and curiosity.